I am a planner. I always have a plan. I have even had a job as a planner. I plan my dinner even before I have my coffee in the morning. I can plan my day, my week and my month. Most days my thoughts can be up to two months out. At the moment I am already in October. One thing about me (it took a while for my husband to catch on) is don't mess with the PLAN. I married a surpriser(that is for another post).
There was a dark moment in my life not too long ago. I was in a hospital being evaluated and admitted for suicide depression. The police officer in order to fill out his report asked me, "Did I have a plan?" I just laughed at him. Did I have a plan? Of course I had a plan. I always had a plan. In fact I had many plans. As I continue on my journey with God, I continue to learn about His plan. You see He had a plan too. The day I was to take my life, I was too weak and exhausted to go through with My plan. Was that part of His plan? I think so.
I did not plan to have 4 boys. I did not plan to have twins. I did not plan to be married for 15 years and counting. I did not plan to be 37 years old. I did not plan to have autism in my family. He did. My plans are not complete. His plans are. Gods perfect plan is what continues to shape me each day. I pray it shapes me into the image of Him. Without Gods plan I would have missed the opportunity to raise 4 amazing boys into Godly men. Without Gods plan for twins I would have not faced the darkness of depression and seen the light of His love and grace. Without Gods plan I would not have been married to a wonderful man for 15 years and looking forward to many more. With out Gods plan for autism in my life, I would have missed real mercy, compassion and understanding.
Gods plan has brought me to my knees and a the foot of the cross. There are days that I could just camp there. As His plan continues to unfold in my life, I will remained camped at the cross. For I know it will continue to draw me closer to Him. I wholly accept His plan even if it is not what I have planned.
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3 comments:
I can't wait to hear the rest of your story!
Thank you for you story and vulnerability. You sound beautiful.
I battle depression, and God has been moving me over the past few years to humility, compassion and mercy. Hard to learn, but I am better too because of it.
I have found blogging to be surprisingly helpful.
As I think of things to blog about I find I am looking at things around me differently. Looking for the cute things my kids do so I can share, or looking closer at how God is moving in my life so I can share that. I find more and more that "I am entering His gates with thanksgiving in my heart."
I don't know if you'll read this or not (the post is from a while ago). Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Although it sounds like you know that. You have a Father with great big arms that you can fall into. I praise Him that you know Him and His mercy as well as you do.
I also have struggled with depression for much of my life. It has been a very rocky, painful road for me and those around me. I know that if it weren't for God's grace, I would have given up long ago. But He DOES have a plan, and that's what keeps me going. That, and my challenge to myself to keep looking for the joy.
Like Denise, blogging has helped me. I look for the positive things around me, and it changes my perspective.
Another long comment...
Better stop. I'll save more for later. :)
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